Click Here to go Back to the Main Page.


The Founder - Sean
Name: Sean Ogilvie, AKA The Croquist Formerly Known as Sean, AKA Sean Choke-l-vie, AKA Eagle Eye Ogilvie

Tournaments played in: Any and all Tournaments of consequence, including: All Stone Mountain Opens nine time finalist, and longest reigning champion ever, The John John Kennedy Memorial Tournament, Masters, Tag Team Championship, Cinco de Mayo Open

Best finish: 3.2 seconds. She didn't even have time to take out her false teeth.

Favorite shot: My favorite shot was not actually a croquet shot but a video shot of a competitor cheating. Following the 1991 Stone Mountain Open won by the Late Dave Shay, a protest was filed by the attorney of Larry Lalonde. Citing the little known "Controversy Ruling" that states:

"The results of a contest shall be nullified if evidence of any two of the following can be provided: 1. Blatant flaunting of an illegal mallet by an overweight competitor. 2. Besmirching the reputation of the incumbent winner or forcing the incumbent winner to don silly headgear. 3. Obvious insanity or death threats on the part of a competitor. 4. Mutant Irish stomach rolling. Should the results of the contest be nullified, the winner shall be declared to be that contestant exhibiting the best tan."

The Protest Committee initially ruled in favor of Mr. Lalonde's protest but while carefully reviewing the video tape to determine the player with the best tan, this distinguished body discovered that Larry Lalonde kicked his ball multiple times at the turn around wicket. Larry was immediately disqualified and the protest overturned thereby saving the good name of croquet.

Style of play:
My traditional start is having a terrible first wicket. This is not as easy as it sounds considering some of my "competitors". Sometimes I have to go inside and watch TV for awhile just to let them get through the first wicket. Afterwards, I like to charge to the front, not ruling out an occassional exchange of cash.* After taking my traditional commanding lead, I simply wait at the poison wicket for my "opponents" to come up to get killed. This works well for most players, but there are exceptions. In the 1999 Stone Mountain Open I followed this philosophy. The Monk was so far behind that we forgot he was still in the match. After I vanquished the rest of the players, we went inside to have a few toasts in the memory of the Late Dave Shay and to celebrate my well deserved victory. A couple of hours later Monk came running in announcing that he was poison and had just knocked me out.

* Please delete this from the published version. Thank you.

Non-croquet hobbies: None.

Best Club O memory:
Watching my then wife leave for the last time. I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was, sitting by the pool with Hugh Hefner drinking a few brewskies with a couple of babes...er ummm, I mean some of his associates when The Evil One started bitching about me getting a job or some other crap. Well about that time, Hef and I needed another round and since Frisky and Bambi had just challenged us to a game of strip croq, I told The Evil One to fetch us some beer. God knows she could have used the exercise. You'd have thought I'd tried to take the leg of lamb she was munching on away from her she was screaming so loud. Well it messed up Frisky's shot something awful. Not that Hef and I minded and just to show we were good sports, we helped her liberally apply some now needed suntan lotion. Anyway, The Evil One tells me that she's going home to her mother's. Not only that but she didn't even get us the beers when she waddled by the fridge. It was my shot so I told her to sit her fat ass down and I'd smack her around after the game, but by then she was gone. Needless to say, I was mortified. I couldn't believe that she would embarrass me like that in front of my friends but Hef was very supportive. He got Frisky and Bambi to double as fetchers. It was a little rough on them bouncing in and out of the house fetching beers, but they were real troopers. Then Hef said something that I couldn't believe. He said that if we won, he would sign the title to the Club over to me. Needless to say, Frisky and Bambi needed a lot more suntan lotion before the game was over!

Where would your ideal tournament be held?
At the grave site of William Jefferson Clinton. I'd have plenty of beer handy and put a wicket at his tombstone. That way everyone could piss on his grave.

Preferred color of ball to use:
Blue or any one without a crack in it.

If your mallet had a name, what would it be?
I'd name it what I usually say after shooting, "Damn it!"

Mallet composition:
Wood and wood by products (nylon).

What special designs or features, if any, does your mallet have?
Special designs or features are gimmics. The Croquist don't need no stinking gimmics. When I shoot, my ball goes where I aim it. Angled edges, laser sights, and "scooped" handles are for losers. They make you feel like a croquist but they detract from the beauty, elegance and sportsmanship of the sport. That having been said, it can be useful to bring along a small entourage to assist me in my game.

List the purpose(s) of them:
Beer Fetcher: When you're croquing you need to concentrate on your game, not worrying if you're going to run out of beer.

Beer Holder: It is distracting to have to bend over to pick up your beer. The beer holder should not be the same person as the beer fetcher. The beer holder should always be within arms reach at all times. The beer fetcher is often off fetching beer. For this reason, the beer holder should be the more attractive babe.

Manager: The manager's purpose is to assist your play. He can do this by providing sound advice or, as I prefer, by confusing and distracting your opponents constantly. He should, throughout the match, protest any and all decisions. This is especially true of decisions that have nothing to do with you. As this is a position of authority, this should be the only male of your entourage.

Landscaper: Clears the projected path of your ball of any and all debris. If the opportunity allows, the landscaper may "accidentally" place debris in an opponent's way.

Shader: The shader's function is to provide shade for you and your beer with an umbrella and/or fan thereby keeping you cool.

Fan(s): Will politely cheer your every shot. A good fan may inadvertently interfere with an opponent's ball even throwing themselves between the ball and its intended target.

Mooner: Used on opponents. Self-explanatory.