Welcome to the ClubO's Minutes!

Dear Club O fans, At the request of Larry Lalonde, official Club O Historian, I have agreed to share with you, my beloved fans, some of the history of Club O. The year is 1995, 10 short years ago. It was by far the greatest Stone Mountain Open in the storied history of Club O. In the spirit of furthering the education of our Children I offer to you the: Club O Minutes The date was July 3rd 1995. The scene was Club O. It was like any other Sunday except it was THE FOUTH of JULY WEEKEND!!!!! It was the Stone Mountain Open Finals and I was in it by virtue of a hard-fought victory in the preliminaries (detailed below). It was good. It was glorious. It was exciting. Naturally, I was abstaining from women and alcohol, a tradition observed to this day (except for, alcohol) The seeding committee had dealt me a tough challenge. I was seeded in the first heat against some of the toughest competition in Stone Mountain history. Zef, Miss Julie, Bill Cleary, Platonic Tim, and the dreaded Rhys. I won! I had survived the preliminaries! I was playing on Monday. I was alive! Monday, July 4th 1995. Club O: The finals were set. I couldn’t believe the challenge! In addition to myself and Platonic Tim, Leroy, stu, lance and Charles Kinney were in the finals. By the luck of the draw, I was privileged to shoot first. Over the next few weeks, I will share the details, shot by shot, inch by inch, with you, the chosen (and lucky) few. All details will be checked and confirmed by Larry Lalonde, official Club O historian. Shot 1: I approached the wicket. As is traditional I was clad in my freshly washed and pressed Three Stooges G-String underwear, white shorts and a clean Club O Ninja Tee Shirt. The Chicks were digging it. Naturally I wore no shoes. The other competitors watched nervously as I placed my ball and lined up my shot. There was a clear sky. The course was freshly mowed, the flowering plants were trimmed and in all their glory. The evil one was nowhere to be seen. It was a glorious day. I measured the angle, judged the distance, took aim struck the ball and announced to the hushed crowd, “Through Two!” I had cleared both wickets cleanly. I didn’t touch either of the wickets at all. I felt the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I was in the lead. Behind me I heard Leroy mutter, “Damn I didn’t see that coming”. I knew at that instant I had Leroy on the ropes. On to my free shot. I was five feet past the wickets, exactly where I wanted to be. I had passed my first hurdle and ready for my free shot. I requested that the course be cleared and after hitting King gently 2 or 3 times (and hitting the crap out of him 4 or 5 times) he agreed to move about 5 feet away from my line of fire. I lined up and took aim. I could feel the tension behind me. The other players were in awe of my first shot. They were terrified that one more shot could put me so far into the lead that they wouldn’t stand a chance. Sadly that shot was not to be. I had misjudged the depression that King had left in the yard and instead of setting myself ended up across the street. For the moment I had lost the initiative. And so went my first turn. I apologize to all of you true croquet fans for the brevity of this description but, as you all know, the first shot is normally the most uneventful. But trust me, as the game goes on, my descriptions will become much more detailed, much more involved and much, much, much longer. Be sure to leave lots of room in your inbox. I hope that all of you are as giddy with anticipation as am I. Shot 2: The rest of the field reacted immediately to my shot. Leroy gave the traditional “That’s unfortunate” lance responded with “Too bad” and stu giggled like Michael Jackson at a slumber party. It was Leroy’s turn and he went through two and placed himself perfectly to go through the narrow passage between the Mailbox Island and the rock. Calling set Leroy approached his ball. Charles was up next or at least he thought he was. stu started bitching about it should be his turn. Being a married mad Charles meekly complied and it was now stu’s turn. stu took a different tack and shot as far out onto the course as possible making it all the way into a holly bush. He stuck his mallet in, pulled the ball out and lined up to take another shot. Naturally all hell broke out. I yelled at him to stop but he ignored me hitting his ball right into the next island and neatly trimmed azalea. “stu loses a turn I announced” stu’s argument was that he had only moved his ball back in bounds and that he was entitled to a free shot. lance agreed, everyone else ignored them and continued to play. Charles shot through both wickets and just barely missing Leroy. stu tried to bitch some more, his voice reaching ever higher, but we just ignored him. Platonic Tim went through two but his approach shot was short and he would need to take at least one more shot before approaching the wicket. It was lances’ turn and naturally he was over by stu talking to him. Surprised at it being his turn so quickly he started searching for a mallet and ball. Finally making his selection he decided he needed a beer. His cooler was back by the pool so it was a solid 5 minutes before he was ready to shoot. He shouldn’t have bothered. He made it through both wickets rattling the second one and hit his ball over a sleeping King under his car parked in the driveway, cursing loudly. King open an eye and went back to sleep. It was my turn. After a closer view of my lie I realized that my shot was much better then I had first feared. I had a clear view of the wicket but I would have to shoot under Bill Cleary’s car (I was focused on Croquet so I don’t recall exactly what piece of crap he was driving at the time). I placed my Old Milwaukee on the ground, lined up, and struck the ball. It sailed one foot to the right of the left front tire exiting two feet right of the front right tire, back onto the lawn finally stopping two feet in front of the wicket. From my position I had to watch my progress while crouching but I liked what I saw. I called “Possible set” Leroy having a better view announced “Definite set” I picked up my beer and sipped it. I breathed a sigh of relief and tipped my hat to the cheering crowd. I was back in the game. Shot 3: “Leroy Takes The Lead” Leroy, was wearing a freshly washed “Bat Boy” Tee shirt, baggy shorts and he was of course barefooted. His deformed and mangled toes, scarred from years of kicking croquet balls stood out in stark contrast to the other players choice of foot ware. especially Sean who had also chosen to go “sans shoes”. Because of his superior croquet morality Sean had not abused his toes on croquet balls. His neatly manicured toes with blades of grass sticking between them really had the chicks going. Larry had a choice. He could play off of Charles in his mauve Gucci running shoes with inverted lacing. Matching running shorts and washed but unpressed button down Izod ,or shoot straight for the wicket. He chose the former and on his third “Charles” struck his ball through the passage and about a foot behind my ball. On his next hit he barely tapped his ball touching my ball on the left side “One Sean”. Next he hit me out of set (and off the course) while leaving himself set. “Two Sean” was followed by “Through” as he hit deep so that he had a clear view of the middle wicket. He took his free shot and hit the ball deep about 15 feet past the wicket and called “Done”. He turned to me and asked if I wanted him to place my ball but I told him that I would do it. I picked up my ball and placed it one mallet head back in bounds. stu exploded in outrage demanding that I place my ball back out of bounds. I tried to explain that Larry had hit me out of bounds where stu had hit himself out but stu either didn’t or refused to understand. Then it got nasty. I reminded stu that he had gone out of turn and had to skip this turn. He was convinced that he had already lost a turn and the argument went on for another 5 minutes before stu finally walked away muttering something about some kind of conspiracy theory. Charles was behind the mailbox wicket and thanks to Leroy couldn’t go directly through the passage on this shot. He could angle it through a bit and tried to roll it a little bit uphill into the island but his ball got hung up in some of the lush, sub tropical, Club O vegetation and came to a halt. Being able to see the wicket he called “Set”. Platonic Tim was up next and made a safe but unexciting shot with a clear shot through the passage but too deep to call set “Done”. I had already reminded lance that his shot was coming up but he was still over by stu talking to him. “lance! Your turn” was followed by a “Huh? OK” as lance finally decided to search for his ball. Seeing it under his car he decided to move the car and had to go get the keys from Cheryl (his wife). There seemed to be a rather heated (and one way) discussion between lance and Cheryl but he finally emerged with the keys. It took two tries but he finally moved the car back about 10 feet so that he could shoot. Many of you veteran Croquists will recall that there is a white rock by the mailbox wicket. lance did not. He lined up, took a mighty shot and bounced the ball of the wicket, off the tire of his car, back on the course and hit Platonic Tim’s ball. “Brilliant” lance yelled and ran (kind of) to take his free shot. lance decided to take the safe shot and cleared the passage cleanly and the wicket by about ten feet cursing loudly when the ball came to rest. It was my turn. Stay tuned for tomorrows exciting chapter: “stu Likes Bush!” Shot 4: “stu Likes Bush!” I couldn’t go through the wicket. It was too far to play off of lance and nobody else was near. I resolve to set myself and proceeded to. It was only a two foot shot but my biggest concern was the angle of my next shot. I wanted to go through and deep. I placed my Old Milwaukee on the rock, lined up, and struck the ball. The sparse grass that the mailbox wicket was known for made aiming for a clump necessary and I did so. I left myself about two feet in front of the wicket. The angle wasn’t the best but I could work with it. I called “Set”. It was Larry’s turn but stu didn’t feel the need to wait. Nervously I reminded him that he went after Leroy but too my surprise stu reacted calmly. He explained that he knew that but was just lining up his shot. At the Middle wicket Larry was oblivious to this close brush with controversy and took his shot. He set himself and announced it to the world. Finally it was stu’s turn and he took full advantage of it. He really wasn’t that deep under the azalea and so was able to get his mallet on the ball and hit it straight into the next azalea. The ball was actually about a foot off of the ground. We were less then sensitive to him. Charles had called set but was wise enough to dribble the ball off the hill and properly set himself about four feet in front of the wicket and two feet behind me. There was some serious connect the dot options for Platonic Tim and he did not hesitate. He lined up and shot strait for the wicket. He hit Charles’ ball solid enough that it rolled into mine. Unfortunately his ball ended up in the road. The wicket was now officially ugly. He took his free shot from the road and tried to hit either of us but missed wide. It looked like he had misjudged the angle the ball would take off the gutter and was about a foot behind us. At least he was set. For once lance was near his own ball. It was really just a coincidence but circumstances had placed stu and lance near each other on the course. lance was ten feet behind the wicket but had three balls to shoot at. A lesser player couldn’t have made the shot. Neither could lance I can’t quite explain how he missed he just did. The ball seemed to be on target for Charles but at the last second broke the wrong way and stopped less then an inch in front of Tim’s It was my turn again and I was still set! Stay tuned tomorrow for: "On to the Middle Wicket" Shot 5: On to the Middle Wicket I took advantage of the time between shots to ask Nephew Stewie to get me a beer. He’s a fine young man and I hope he grows up smarter then his dad. My ball was right where I wanted it but because of Charles ball I had no swing. With Charles, Tim and lance within a foot of me I could have had some real fun but I just wanted to get out of there. I hit away from the wicket bouncing Charles into lance into Tim, made some comment about Lucky Pierre and went through and deep. I was finally through the wicket. Larry had set himself but I had him in my sights. The course was fast and I knew it. I read the break to go from left to right, took aim and missed him by two feet. I was ten feet past the wicket and done. At least he wouldn’t be playing off of me. It was Larry’s turn so naturally I checked to see if stu was going to be going out of turn. He wasn’t. In fact he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Larry looked at my ball then looked at his ball, the angle he had and finally decided not to go for me. I could tell he wanted to but it just wasn’t the smart move. He hit his ball clearly through almost all the way to Cary’s hedge. He now had a clear, root free shot the road wicket. As he lined up to shoot he realized that Mark and Cupid were directly in his path. He yelled at Cupid who promptly trotted away. Then he yelled at Mark who took a deep drag on his cigarette, a sip of what looked like a southern comfort and coke and stood there. One more yell and Mark finally stepped back. Larry aimed, adjusted his angle, judged the distance, shot and found the only root between him and the wicket. It bounced his ball up in the air and he ended up short of the wicket on the edge of a Pine Island surrounded by roots. Naturally he blamed Cupid. stu’s turn found stu just coming back on the course from the end of the street with lance following behind. He remembered where his ball was, explained that he couldn’t hit it, got nowhere with that argument and finally flicked it. By some miracle he ended up in bounds. I could tell that Charles wanted nothing more than to get through the wicket. He could have used lance to get a better angle but went straight for the wicket. He made it through but was close to a car tire. It was a white 1987 Toyota Celica belonging to Ann. I always liked that car it had an automatic but it moved pretty fast. I decided that one day that car would be mine. Sometime later I went into debt to buy it from her. It cost me $675.00 a month but it was worth it. He had a lousy swing and on his free shot was well short of the middle wicket. Tim had no such hesitation about using lance and maneuvered within a foot of the wicket, leaving lance with a tough angle. He made good his through shot and kindly placed his free shot two feet away from my ball. It was like an early Christmas present. With a tough angle to make lance carefully studied the shot. He looked at it from both sides, got low to the ground for a better view and resolved that he could indeed make it. He carefully put his beer down, knocked it over with his left foot, almost fell and took aim. The shot required a delicate touch preventing lance from powering it through the wicket. The ball would break to the right so lance aimed left. He struck his ball and it hit the left side of the wicket. It hit the inside of the left side of the wicket. It came to arrest still inside of the wicket barely 51 percent through but that was enough. lance was through and announced it to an amazed audience. stu confirmed the call but naturally no one believed him. Larry, having the best view of the other competitors, confirmed it. Not really expecting to get this far lance now had to decide exactly what to do on his free shot. His ball was against the wicket but stu’s ball was within range so with stu’s advice he went for and hit stu. Two shots in a row. No one could remember lance ever having a run like this. All of a sudden stu is telling lance to send him so that he would be set. They were teaming up! lance sent stu to the front of the wicket and then some. He bounced off of the landscaping ties surrounding the mailbox but he bounced back and was indeed set. It was my turn again. Stay tuned tomorrow for: Shot 6:stu Ogilvie, The Rocketman Shot 6:stu Ogilvie, The Rocketman I was ten feet past the wicket and not set but I had Tim to play off of. If I played this right I could go through deep and possibly beat Leroy to the road wicket. I needed to hit Tim but leave myself on the right side of him. I could tuck behind him on “Two Tim” and set myself on “Three Tim”. With this plan in mind I took aim. I noticed a leaf in my way and although it was more a mental distraction then a physical impediment I removed it and started over again. I struck the ball. It went straight as an arrow. Unfortunately I had played a break from left to right. It was a clean miss and I was done. I knew the game would be a long uphill struggle. Leroy wasted no time in taking advantage of my miss. He didn’t have an easy shot to set but called set to end his turn. I was too far back to see it and took his word for it. Having been set by lance, stu wasted no time taking advantage of it. He went through but hit the left side of the wicket and rolled into the road. He was between two parked cars and had a clear view of the middle wicket so he was in pretty good shape. Note from Larry Lalonde, Club O Historian: Before the advent of the hedge, going into the road wasn’t as bad as it is today. As long as you didn’t roll too far it was a perfectly reasonable move. He lined up and launched a shot that would have made NASA proud. As it began its amazing assent, Newton’s Law of Gravity was called into play, pulling on it, slowing its vertical velocity. This, of course, had no impact on its horizontal velocity that was impacted only by wind resistance and the tail wind the ball enjoyed. The wind resistance was slightly decreased by a combination of the warm air temperature and thinning atmosphere as it continued to climb in elevation. The ball reached maximum altitude at about 1,019 feet above sea level (20 feet above the lawn). It slowly began its inevitable downward trajectory and picked up potential energy. When it finally reached the lawn about 5 feet from the ditch the potential energy was instantly converted to kinetic energy. Newton’s third law states that "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. " and in the entire history of Club O this was never better demonstrated. The Croquet ball impacted the earth and both objects reacted. The combination of velocity and mass of the croquet ball was pitted against the velocity and mass of the croquet earth. both objects moved but the ball moved significantly more beginning a repetition the above-described process. Ascending again, it cleared the ditch in an upward trajectory only to meet the premature end of its flight after encountering a tree. The impact against the willow tree (Salix babylonica) damaged it sufficiently to knock off some bark and eventually cause its premature demise. I apologize for the brevity of this description but during this remarkable event I was trying to get the hell out of the way. The ball was eventually located about fifteen feet out of bounds. stu was done. Charles had been somewhat distracted by stu’s shot since it missed him by inches and he was still pulling the grass he had eaten out of his mouth. Charles, never the less, resolved to get back in the game. At that he failed miserably. He tried to set himself but went deep and left himself near both your humble author and Tim. It was Tim’s turn and he had his choice of balls to use. He chose mine and as he played off of me he moved us both toward the wicket. After his “Three Sean” he was set and went through the wicket leaving me set. On his free shot Tim decided to visit the lawn across the street to see if it was nicer than the Croq course. Tim celebrated this event by ordering his Girl Friend, Miss Julie Horan, to fetch us all beers. We’re still waiting. I wonder why they broke up? Apparently he wasn’t impressed with the lawn because on his next shot he decided to come back (excruciating detail provided in Shot 7). lance was set for the mailbox wicket and with no one in his way quickly shot through it and announced his triumph.. That was three brilliant shots in a row! His triumph was short-lived however when he was reminded that he had already gone through the wicket on his last turn. It was my turn and I was set. Stay tuned tomorrow for: Shot 7: Spish Splash stu is Taking a Bath Shot 7: Spish Splash stu is Taking a Bath At this time allow me to give a brief update on the situation. Larry is through the middle wicket and set for the road wicket, Tim is through the middle wicket but across the street and I am set for the middle wicket. Charles is approaching the middle wicket, stu is way out of bounds and nobody really cared where lance was. By now we had given up on getting Miss Julie to fetch beers (God knows she could have used the exercise) and I decided to ask Cheryl for some beers. Naturally she complied and brought five beers onto the course. She had one for everyone but lance. She explained that he was trying to lose weight. lance cursed loudly, but not of course until Cheryl was out of earshot. Although Tim had left me set it wasn’t a great set and I couldn’t go deep. I made the shot but choose to go up toward the street instead of past the rocks. I made a nice shot close to the street but still in fairway. I could see Leroy’s ball and able to for the first time confirm that yes he was indeed set. I was done. Leroy went through as expected and took his free shot towards the turn around wicket. He over struck the ball and ended up on the edge of Cary’s hedge. It was time for stu, or “stu of the Jungle” as we had begun to call him, to shoot. stu was somewhat anxious to shoot which was understandable since he’d been in there for five minutes, discovered 3 new species of mosquitoes and seen at least one snake. It was tough to miss since it slithered over his ball and around his left foot. He flicked the ball about 14 ½ feet. The problem was he had started 15 feet out of bounds. His ball hit the edge of the ditch and rolled back in. Being the kind hearted people we were we decided to share with stu the fact that he was now standing in the official Club O outdoor urinal. Leroy was more to the point as he decided to relieve himself about 10 feet upstream from stu. When stu started bitching (again) I mentioned that if Mac was there he probably would have dropped his drawers and taken a dump. Charles was about 10 feet past the middle wicket and thus required a set shot. In an almost unprecedented move he shot well and set himself. Tim decided he preferred the Club O lawn to the one across the street and hit across the street. He actually set himself (I was pissed!). The good news was it was lance’s turn. lance finally broke his string of three brilliant shots in a row, he tried and failed to set himself. I didn’t have the heart to tell him but Larry did that he was still shooting at the wrong wicket. Stay tuned tomorrow for: Shot 8: The Charge of the lance's Ball Shot 8: The Charge of the lance's Ball I was at the street 50 feet from the wicket. I could go for it and hope to go through or hit Tim or I could lay up short and hope to set myself. I chose the smart shot and set myself. It was a good decision. Larry came out from under the hedge called set. It looked tough to me. I could see one but two? Once again stu and lance were down in the cul-de-sac “Strategizing”. They seemed to be passing a piece of paper back and forth between them. The writing must have been hard to read because they kept holding it close to their faces. Just as I was about to yell at them, when Little Stewie started running over to his dad. They threw away the paper and hurried back to the course. Whatever. Larry took his shot and just as I suspected made one but missed the second and didn’t leave himself set. He had to set himself. I was barely hanging on and this was the first good break I had gotten since the start of the game. I began to sense it. I could see the victory ahead of me. I was at Club O, I was Croqing, I was in the Stone Mountain Open and I was a contender! stu had finally made it back to the ditch and climbed down into the muck. Personally I prefer to avoid the ditch but that’s just me. After a few minutes of complaining he shot and made back into fairway. I realized I was only one wicket ahead of stu. The wave of humility that I felt helped redouble my efforts. Charles was up next and made it through the middle wicket. He went deep to try to pick up Leroy but wasn’t within range. He shot up but ended up short just on the other side of the wicket. Having completed his shot he called to his wife (since ex-wife) Brenda to fetch beers. Naturally none were to appear ( I wonder why they got divorced). It was Tim’s turn and he had a golden opportunity. He was set for the pool wicket and just on the other side was Charles’ ball. Inexplicably instead of using Charles he went deep and on his free shot set himself right in front of the wicket. lance had remembered that he was through the mailbox wicket and decided on an approach shot to the middle wicket. He had a lousy angle (the result of trying to set himself on his last turn) and thus had a tough shot threading the needle through the very holly bush that stu had ended his first shot to the right and the two azaleas that stu spent his second and third shots in to his left. The course was fast and broke to the left but naturally lance didn’t notice. The Charge of the lance's Ball: Half a hundred feet, half a hundred feet, Half a hundred feet onward, All in the valley of Club O Rode lances’ ball `Forward, lances’ ball! Charge for the wicket!' he said: Into the valley of Club O Rode lances’ ball. `Forward, lances’ ball!' Was the ball dismay'd? Not tho' the ball knew ome one had blunder'd: The ball's not to make reply, The ball's not to reason why, The ball's but to do and die: Into the valley of Club O Rode lance’s ball. Holly to right of it, Azalea to left of it, Cannon in front of it Bloomed and threatened; Storm'd at with leaf and twig, Boldly it rolled and well, Into the jaws of Club O, Into the mouth of the Wicket Rode the lance’s ball. Flash'd all it’s stipe bare, Flash'd as it turn'd in air Parting the grass there, Charging a wicket, while All the world wonder'd: Plunged around the Crepe Myrtle branches Right thro' the grass it broke; leaves and twigs Reel'd from the gopher holes Slower and slower. Then it stoped, but not Not the where it started. Holly to left of it, Azalea to right of it, Cannon behind them Bloomed and threatened; Storm'd at with leaf and twig, While stu and Mac fell, It that had rolled so well Came thro' the jaws of the wicket, Back from the mouth of Club O, All that was left of it, Left of the ball. When can it’s glory fade? O the wild charge it made! All the world wonder'd. Honour the shot he made! Honour the Shot by lance, Noble Shot by lance! lance was too far from the wicket to see it go through but somehow must have been able to sense it. How else can you explain why he called “Through”. After we agreed that it went through and had hurried over to help him up he took his free shot and hit the Cherry Tree dead center. In celebration of lances’ shot Mark asked his Girl Friend Leah to fetch us beers. They never showed up. They’ve since broken up I wonder why. Tune in Tomorrow for: Shot 9: Sean Takes the Lead! Shot 9: Sean Takes the Lead! I was in front of the wicket about 6 feet back but didn’t have a clear shot at Charles. I shot through and went about ten feet past the wicket. The turnaround wicket had Leroy through one set for two and Tim Set for one. Larry was up next so If I didn’t hit Tim Larry would use him like the women he was. If I stopped short Larry would use me. If I missed I was missing deep. Inspecting the course I read the break from left to right. The general downhill angle combined with the dry conditions and freshly mowed lawn made it tough to stop the ball. I was ready. I discarded my empty beer, looked in vain for Leah aimed and shot. The ball rolled. It was a little to the left. It was fast enough. It was too fast. It broke right, One Tim! I bounced him out of set and left myself with a tough uphill shot. I could make one but not two. But Larry was in the middle of the wickets. I had to make it. I shot and went through one. I wasn’t set for two but Leroy’s ball was sitting there just waiting to be used. “One Leroy” later I was set, through (I accidentally knocked him out of set) and hit the post. I placed my ball between the post and the wickets and yet again the screeching began. stu in his infinite wisdom had decided I was cheating again. “He moved his ball! He moved his ball!” on and on he yelled. This time Larry strolled over and tried to explain the rules to him. He didn’t have any more luck then I had. I went back through two and I was in the lead. I was winning. My plans were coming together and there was no turning back. I wasn’t about to relinquish the lead now or for the rest of the game. Tim was too far away to use so I went for the Dog Wicket. The Dog Wicket was the only wet spot on the Croq course. The shade combined with the moisture combined to make it very slick with large portions covered in moss. It was my least favorite wicket. I took aim and fired a conservative shot on the wrong side of the wicket but in the fairway. I had had a great turn. Larry wasn’t set but he had a fifteen footer on Tim. He made it and used all three Tims getting lined up for the second wicket leaving Tim not set but close. He made it through, post, through two and tried to play off of me. He missed but set himself leaving me a five footer on him. stu had settled down and was about to shoot when I smelled smoke. I looked around and saw a small fire in the cul-de-sac. I yelled fire and headed that way. Everyone followed me except lance and stu. I grabbed a hose from in front of the house and dragged it over there. It wasn’t long enough but I had a second one and I attached them together. Bill dragged it over there while Tim turned on the water. It wasn’t much of a fire. If I had been wearing shoes I could have stomped it out. We never figured out what caused it. When we got back stu was waiting for us. He reminded us that it was his turn but something was wrong. He was set! He was so far behind we didn’t even bother to argue stu went through and across the street. Charles was just on the wrong side of the road wicket and set himself. Tim did the same at the turn around wicket. On lance’s last shot he had hit the cherry tree. He took a shot and joined stu across the street. Tune in tomorrow for: Shot 10:Leroy takes the Lead! Shot 10:Leroy takes the Lead! While I had been waiting for my turn I started thinking about the Green Jacket. The 1995 Jacket was perhaps the best jacket ever procured for the Stone Mountain Open. Not only did it fit me like a glove (not like an OJ Simpson glove mind you but a really good fit and no blood!)) but also the color seemed to match my brown eyes and bright red scalp. It was adorned with two antique brass buttons on both sleeves and three down the middle. The jacket wore the famous Bradley label named of course after the founder of the Company, General Omar Bradley (Ret.) of WWII fame where he led American troops to victory against the Nazis and liberated the French who think Jerry Lewis is a genius and stu and lance can play croquet. General Bradley when asked if he any regrets about his military career replied. Next time we should make the German’s take the French as allies. After retiring from the US Army in 1953, General Bradley decided to follow his lifelong dream and opened up the first of many Men’s clothing stores that still bear his name to this day. The famous designer and lance’s next-door neighbor Gianni Versace had especially designed the 1995 Green Jacket. Versace himself delivered the jacket to lance and refused any and all compensation due to their close personal friendship. A short time later when Versace was struck down by an assassin’s bullet, I remember lance playing over and over again the unreleased song that Elton John wrote in loving tribute to his and lances close, close friend. “Captain Fantastic and the Green Jacket Cowboy” This was of course a reissue and rewrite of “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy” a practice he would tragically repeat. His dear friend Princess Diane died when the limousine she was riding in stopped suddenly and she choked to death on a towel-heads private parts, which had become lodged, in her trachea. Elton chose to honor his late, non-sexual friend (he was the only one) by reissuing a loving interpretation of Motley Crue’s Ballard “Smokin' In The Boys Room” as “Chokin on The Boys Poll”. Sadly his record company forced him to recall this classic and issue the anemic "Candle In The Wind". I had a five footer on Leroy and took careful aim and shot. It was a clean miss! What happened? I had it all planned out. Everything was planned except the actual doing. I vowed to keep my head in the game. To make matters worse I had rolled too far to call “Set”. I was done. I was Leroy’s turn and he was set. He went through and took my lead away with him. I could here Kevin in the peanut gallery yelling “Chokelvie”. It was all the worse that he was right. On his free shot Leroy tried but failed to hit Tim going passed him. He called “Set” but it was a fifty footer. Across the street stu shot and with a clear view of the wicket he shot across the road and called “Set”. The fact that he was on the wrong side of the wicket didn’t seam to matter to him. I decided to save my time and didn’t bother correcting him. Charles was set and went through and was 6 inches from stu. “Three stu’s” later stu was behind the turnaround wicket and Charles was going for the turnaround wicket. He went through, hit post, placed his ball ( without stu bitching), went through two, ignored the set ball of Tim’s and shot for the dog wicket. He ended up on the wrong side of the wicket but it had been a great turn. Tim was up. He was about to shoot when stu picked up his ball and started walking back to the road wicket. Leroy had argued with him last so I figured it was my turn. The gist of his argument was that since he had been knocked out of bounds and he was simply putting himself back in bounds near where he started. We placed him back where he started since he wasn’t out of bounds to begin with. Believe it or not stu wasn’t happy. Tim easily went through, hit post, placed his ball and knocked stu’s mallet out of his way. “It was an accident” stu explained. He went through both and was on his way to the, already crowded, dog wicket. He hit his ball toward the dog wicket but ended up well short of the wicket. Several yells later lance realized that it was his turn and went back across the road to his ball. His shot was pretty good in that he made it back in bounds but he wasn’t set. It had been a bad turn. I had started in the lead and finished trailing with two other players sharing second place with me. Stay tuned Tomorrow for: Shot 11: Cindy fetches beer Shot 11: Cindy fetches beer I wasn’t set and setting myself wasn’t an option. If I set myself first Charles and then Tim would be able to play off of me. I resolved to go for the wicket. I tossed away my now empty beer can, aimed, took a deep breath and swung the mallet back. I stopped. A thought had reached my beer-starved brain. Charles and Tim suck. They couldn’t hit the broad side of a wife if a lifetime of free beer depended on it. I stepped back and reached for my beer. Instantly I remembered that I was out of beer. I cursed silently and swore an oath that I would never again subject myself to this kind of abuse. I quickly lined up my shot and set myself right where I wanted to be. Then I started working on the really important issue, the lack of beer on the course. I scanned the galleries for the proper fetcher and spotted Cindy in the crowd. She had recently cranked out her first child, “Little Sean”, who is known as Sam around the Club for reasons of clarity. After all if you started yelling “Sean quit drinking my beer” neither Sam nor I would be sure whom they were talking to. She was only too happy to fetch beers for the Croquists. She brought out enough beer for all of the players but forgot to get Cary one. She decided it was best anyway since he needed to be ready for the 2:00 AM feeding . I thought that I had made fifty cents on a bet with Cary who said she wouldn’t do it “In a million years” but he refused to pay claiming that if he didn’t get a beer it didn’t count. Soon I would learn if I made the right move or not. Leroy was fifty feet from the wicket and had called set. He lined up and went for it. He missed about a foot uphill and immediately started bitching that the ball didn’t break at all. Like that was my problem or something. Believe it or not stu wasn’t happy. He was down by the turnaround wicket while he was supposed to be going for the road wicket. He had a pretty good swing in that direction and took a shot uphill toward the road. He ended up right next to lance. Charles was up and he had about an eight footer in the funk to hit me. He accidentally chose the “miss Sean by about a foot and end up two feet behind Sean option”. He was set. Tim was well short of the wicket and had a clear shot on me. The problem was that if he missed me deep he wouldn’t be set. He lined up to hit Charles. I could understand the logic. If he missed Charles he had a better angle. If he hit Charles he could work his way to me and go through. Like Charles he accidentally chose “the miss by about a foot and end up two feet behind option”. The bottom line was that I was still set and I went before anybody within range. I figured that I should try to avoid the “miss by about a foot and end up two feet behind option.” Once again stu started talking to lance and once again lance tried to set them both. Once again something went wrong and lance had to send stu and himself so they were both set. Leroy wasn’t set for the middle wicket, Charles, Tim and I were set for the dog wicket and finally stu and lance were set for the road wicket. Shot 12 promised to be huge! Stay tuned for: stu takes the lead (not!) Shot 12: stu takes the lead (not!) It was a chip shot but I could do more. If I pounded the ball and jumped the ditch I could use my free shot to set myself. On the other hand if I pounded the ball, missed the wicket and landed smack dap in the middle of the ditch I could spend the rest of the game up to my ankles in really nasty stuff. Guts and Glory or wimp? Guts and Glory or wimp? I remembered back in my youth when I thought that “real men didn’t use umbrellas”. I eventually decided that it should be “real stupid men didn’t use umbrellas”. I made the easy shot. I did have an option however on my free shot. I could go around the ditch and be fifty feet short of the wicket or I could play off of one of the Two Stooges (Charles & Tim). I decided to try and pick up a cheap shot. It might be a lot better than a cheap shot. If I hit Charles I could play off of him to Tim and possibly work myself around the ditch AND still have a free shot. I might be able to regain the lead! Of course if you haven’t guessed by now, I missed Charles. I missed Tim and I was done. Larry took advantage of my faux pas by setting himself about 8 feet in front of the wicket. I realized then that if I had gone around the ditch I could have shot at the wicket and had a chance at a cheap Leroy. On his turn stu went through the road wicket and leaving lance in the dust headed towards the turn around wicket. He didn’t want to take a chance of going deep and going into the hedge so he ended up well short of the wicket. Charles had a pretty good shot and made the wicket cleanly. Instead of going for Tim or myself he went up hill and finished with a clear but distant view of the middle wicket. The Platonic one was up and, although he had a tougher shot then Charles, made it through the wicket with only a slight rattling of the wicket. He too went up hill and ended up about 5 feet short of Charles but also with a clear view of the middle wicket. Having been abandoned by stu, lance resolved to make it through the road wicket and rejoin the game. In that he totally succeeded (fooled you didn’t I?) He made it through the wicket and what’s more stayed inbounds and in the fairway. On his free shot he aimed at stu’s ball but missed deep. “Deep” maybe the wrong term because he had a decent angle and could have called set, but choose “Done” instead. Shot 13: The end is in sight! Shot 13: The end is in sight! The gate by the pool had been open all game to facilitate movement by the fans, fetchers and members of the press. Suddenly and without warning came an all too familiar view, Dave Shay’s ass! Dave had waited all game to ambush the Stone Mountain Open finalists with not just any regular moon but the dreaded “Elvis Presley Guitar Tattoo on his Butt” moon. It was too much for many of the fans. The men retreated to the beer fridge, the married women to the buffet and the children all huddled around Cary. I was forced to temporarily abandon my game to separate Cary from the kids. Unlike many contemporary reports of the event it did not require the use of a crowbar. I had recently changed homeowner’s insurance policies and there was a rider in it specifically requiring that I would protect pre-pubescent girls from Cary. At the time I hadn’t learned that he had been kicked out of the Saint Michael of Seminary of Santa Maria California for a lack of interest in pre-pubescent boys but that’s another story. After threatening him with my croquet mallet he finally agreed to give back the girls clothes and I was able to get my mind back in the game. At least he gave up. Dave Shay (May he rest in peace) didn’t stop mooning when I threatened him with my mallet. It was only after he realized that I was going to use the mallet head and not the handle on him that he finally covered up “Elvis”. I was through the dog wicket but I had missed in my attempt to hit Charles and hadn’t made it around the ditch yet. Because of the angle however I could still see the middle wicket. I would have to play the curve of the top of the ditch but I had a shot at it. I couldn’t set myself because Larry might use me and I was too far from the Moe & Curley to reasonably expect to hit them so I decided to just go through the damn thing. I didn’t really expect to make it but I didn’t have a very good alternative. If I missed I could also play off of Charles or Tim so I might not lose a turn at all and who knows I could make it. The key was a combination of the curve I would pick up on the ditch and the natural left to right break as I approached the wicket (have I mentioned that the course was fast?). Being the serious Croquist that I am I carefully chose a good place out of the way and set my beer there. I carefully judged the course, decided on the likely bend on my trajectory, adjusted for the break, decided to err uphill, took swing and hit the ball. The ball hugged the ground. Meeting no unexpected obstacles on the beautifully landscaped course it took the curve of the ditch, and after overcoming the force of gravity, straightened out and headed for the wicket. The ball began to break exactly as expected from left to right, increasing, as expected as the ball began to decelerate. When it crossed the plane of the wicket it met no resistance. It was 6 inches to the right. The ball continued another 4 feet and finally came to a rest 18 inches below the wicket and 4 feet behind it. I was done. Larry had an eight foot shot on the middle wicket. Having the same break as me he needed to aim left but if he hit the ball solidly it wouldn’t break as much as my ball had. He also had the advantage of taking this shot earlier in this game. He made the wicket cleanly and left his ball six feet past the wicket and just two feet past my ball. A, not unexpected but, painful wave overwhelmed me as Larry turned and lined up towards my ball. He was going to use me to further his own selfish motives and advance around the course with total and utter disregard to my own sensitive needs. One Sean, he was behind my ball lined up to he used it as he hit towards the pool wicket. Two Sean. Both balls flew as the wind. Larry’s ball went straight towards the pool wicket. My ball went towards and then into the ditch. I was about 30 feet from the middle wicket but when I came back in bounds I would have about a 25 footer for a relativity easy set. “Sending Sean” was called by Larry, I was chilled to the bone. He was close to a set, I was far from the wicket. What more did he want. My heart turned to stone. My hatred grew until it threatened to over power my normally mellow demeanor. I was being overwhelmed by the dark side of Croquet! I caught myself just before I swore revenge on Larry and walked off the course to my “Safe Spot”. As I was trying to get my mind back in the game I heard Larry yell “I need some help! Someone get me Sean’s ball.” I turned to the ditch, stretched out my left arm, gave Larry the finger and announced, “Fetch it yourself”. The crowd was silent (except for the married women who were munching on their 4th Hamburgers). They could sense the tension in the air. Larry finally climbed into the ditch, retrieved my ball and walked back to his own ball. I went back into the ditch on my next shot. Larry went past the wicket and to the edge of the ditch but disapprovingly for the entire crowd stayed in play. stu was short of the wicket but once again had lance within range. He lined up and hit lance. Taking his free shot he once again hit lance leaving himself set. After going through two and hitting the post he made a big deal about “The newest rule change of Sean’s and picked up his ball. He decided that since he could place his ball anywhere he wanted he decided to set himself for the pool wicket. Since stu was so far behind neither Larry nor I could see what was going on and just wanted him to finish his turn. Being on the same half of the course was embarrassing enough. Lance pointed out to stu that being set for the pool wicket wouldn’t do him any good if he didn’t finish going through the turn-around wicket. It took stu a while to digest those words of wisdom but finally it registered and he went back to where he started. He shot cleanly through the turn-around wicket and made a mediocre shot towards the pool wicket. Charles made a safe shot to leave himself set and made his call. Tim decided to go for it and missed by a mile. He was 5 feet to the right of the wicket and 20 feet past it. That would be a done. Lance had a makeable shot for the turn-around wicket and took it. He went through two and hit the post. There is a story where the question is raised about the effects of 1 billion chinamen all jumping off of stools at the same moment. They’d have nothing on the seismic event caused by lance jumping up and down. His vertical leap must have been in excess of 4 inches and the aftershocks caused waves in the pool and the water to overflow the sides. Most of the people in the pool were terrified but lance wasn’t done. He let out an enormous call, and placed his ball for his free shot. This took considerably less time than on stu’s turn since lance apparently knew how to play croquet. He came back through two and made a quick call and took his free shot to the pool wicket. He went deep but stayed in bounds. Stay tuned for: Shot 14: The Long Journey Home Shot 14: The Long Journey Home I was hosed. Larry had sent me 50 plus feet away from the wicket and it was my job to get back. At least it was uphill so the ball would be more likely to stop. I was also behind the wicket so I needed to go uphill and to the left. My shot was OK but not great. I was 5 feet to the left of the wicket but 10 feet uphill. I called done and took a look at the other players. From near the pool wicket I hadn’t been able to see stu or lance and I noticed that I wasn’t the only one looking thirsty. I started looking for a beer fetcher. Larry had a bit of a tricky shot for set as the pool wicket had a nasty break towards the ditch but he made a nice shot to leave himself set. On stu’s turn he tried to set himself and succeeded nicely. While he was doing this I spotted Brenda. She didn’t seem busy so I asked her to fetch the athletes a round of brewskis. She replied in the affirmative and went towards the fridge. I got the “Yeah Right” look from Charles who was by now lining up to go through the middle wicket. He hit the ball straight and even more surprisingly through the wicket. Larry was set for the pool wicket but Charles was heading that way. It was a long dangerous shot but he decided to go for it. As he was on the back swing of his shot out of the corner of his eye he saw Brenda carrying beers. He sliced the ball right into the ditch. Naturally we were all supportive of him. Brenda was carrying 5 beers pressed against her ample 36 D cleavage. The chill of the beers seemed to have an unexpected (or was it?) but most pleasant effect. After delivering each beer, each Croquist received a smile, a nice view of her hooters straining to free themselves from the all too confining bathing suit top she was wearing while she opened each beer. I for one felt sympathy for her bodacious festoons and wished she would free them from their prison. The parting view of her wiggling ass left all with a warm fuzzy feeling. The cold beer was delicious. She had always had a thing for lance and you could feel the chemistry between them as she handed him his beer. All received a beer except for Charles. She explained that he had to fly tomorrow so he wouldn’t be drinking anymore. After she left I got him one myself (and myself another one). While I was getting Charles a beer Tim shot. He was behind the wicket and needed to set himself. For some reason he tried to go through the wicket instead of around it. He hit the left side of the wicket on the outside and ended up close to the wicket but not set. lance had a 5 foot shot on stu and tried to play off him. He hit him solid and left himself set. Ever the thinker, stu told lance to send them both through the wicket. It actually worked but stu went out of bounds into the ditch. Once again stu told lance to send them both but lance, actually understanding the game, knew he couldn’t send stu without hitting him first. He took his free shot up around the ditch 40 feet from the middle wicket. Thanks to Leroy I was now on the same wicket as stu and lance. I began plotting my revenge. Stay tuned for: Shot 15: Charles meet Mud. Mud meet Charles Shot 15: Charles meet Mud. Mud meet Charles I was 5 feet uphill from the wicket and Tim was 2 feet downhill from it. I could set myself and hope both Tim and lance miss me or I could try to play off of Tim. I chose to play off Tim. I finished off the beer Brenda had fetched me, tossed it out of bounds, so not to interfere with the other Croquists, placed the other beer out of the way but within easy reach should the need to quench my thirst arise and lined up my shot. It was almost exactly downhill and I expected no break. It was a short turn. I missed Tim by half an inch and rolled 2 feet past him. Larry was set and quickly went through the wicket. Since no one was set to go through the middle wicket, let alone go through deep, he didn’t have to worry about us trying to hit him and play off of him. He decided to try and set himself. He over hit the ball and ended up close to the azalea island about 12 feet uphill from the wicket. Larry called done, picked up his beer and started the long walk to the home wicket. Lance had sent stu through the dog wicket but out of bounds. I could see that stu’s ball was still out of bounds I reminded him that lance had sent him out and that he could bring himself back in bounds. The light bulb went off and he gave himself a generous lie for his shot. He tried to hit lance’s ball but instead hit like the women he is and left himself about 5 feet short. Using proper croquet etiquette stu realized that since he was still at the pool wicket and he had just shot he should take advantage of the situation and used the famous pool wicket restroom facilities. Once he had relieved himself he rejoined the rest of the Croquists without delaying the game. The other players were unaware of stu’s piss and didn’t realize that stu had avoided an unnecessary delay in a game that was getting tenser by the shot. Charles’ ball was solidly wet and his feet sank nicely in the mud of the ditch he had hit himself into. He decided to power the ball out and took a mighty swing. The mud flew in the air like elbows at the Shoney’s breakfast bar right after the church bus of the Stone Mountain First United Methodist Church delivers its cargo of married women and they have stampeded over the now lifeless body of the store manager in their quest for bacon, sausage biscuits and gravy. After the mud settled to the ground (except for some that landed in the pool) Charles’ ball was nowhere to be found. At first neither was Charles although later we realized that it was him in the ditch doing the Al Jolsen impersonation. A search discovered his ball about 3 inches from where he had hit it halfway buried in the bank. Perhaps a flick using the mallet handle would have been a better option. Charles called Larry and myself for a ruling. I was already working on my “Play it where it lies” speech when he used the “Landscaping is appreciated at the Club” approach. He was going to “Landscape” the mud above his ball without actually touching or moving the ball. It seemed to make sense so we gave him the go ahead. Tim was close to the wicket but wasn’t set and I was 2 feet from him away from the wicket. Instead of playing off of me he set himself right in front of the wicket just 4 feet from my ball. I sipped my beer and began thinking. Larry was in trouble. Lance had two choices. First he could go for the wicket with two chances (besides slim and none). If he went for the wicket he could either go through or hit Tim. If he missed he could try and play off of me when I set myself. What he forgot to consider was that I had no intention of being there by the time he shot next. He could also lay up short and try to set himself. The problem with that was that in the highly unlikely event that he actually succeeded almost certainly someone would play off of him. Mired in 2nd to last the other Croquists did not realize it but lance had been playing the game of his life. Not only was he still in the game but also he had actually been gaining on the pack. With this in mind, with a clear view of the wicket and with Tim’s ball giving him an extra measure of confidence lance decided go through. In this he suffered a miserable failure. He shot high and about 5 feet past the wicket. It was on to Shot 16. Stay tuned for: Shot 16: Revenge! Shot 16: Revenge! Tim had left himself 4 feet from me and in front of the wicket. I was going through and I was going through this turn! I set down my near empty beer, lined up and struck my ball and hit Tim right in the middle. I was set and, if I shot well I could pick up lance. Tim was still set but I didn’t care. I wanted to get through the wicket. Things were looking good and I wasn’t going to screw it up this time. I was going to play it smart. I was going to play it conservative. I went through the wicket and stopped just inches to the right of lance. I needed to get on the other side if I hoped to use him to get to the pool wicket and set on this turn. I was thinking about how to get behind lance’s ball on my second ”lance” when I noticed another ball within range. Larry was about 15 feet away near the azalea island and planning on getting set. I had two “lances” left and decided to use them to “get me some Leroy”. I used my second “lance” to just tapping him and I was lined up to go right towards Larry. On the third “lance” he went out of bounds and I was 18 inches from Larry. Two shots later and I was behind Larry and ready to do some damage. On my 3rd “Larry I pounded my ball into his sending us both towards the pool wicket. Larry went into the I went left, hit the fence stayed there trapped between two slats. I had a free shot and used it poorly I needed to get out from under the fence but all I could do was tap my ball to a gap in the fence. I could see the wicket but I was still inside the fence, with a railroad tie in my way. When I next shoot I would need to clear the fence fall off the railroad tie roll about 4 feet and stop all on a downhill slope. At least I was through the middle wicket. Larry was away from the home wicket; Charles was still in the ditch. It was a poor finish to what was all and all a pretty good turn. There was one problem. I had left my beer up at the middle wicket. When I finally arrived I picked it up and remembered that it was almost empty. I drained it and naturally started looking for a fetcher. Buffy was sunning herself in the front yard so not to get in the way of the croquet game and I asked her to get a round for the boys. She immediately stood up and began to put her top back on. Ever thirsty I explained that she needn't bother this one time and should just get the beer. Ever the good sport, Buffy immediately complied. Without the .01 R factor that Brenda’s Bikini top provided Buffy’s mombos reacted instantly to the cold beer cans. Not that any of the finely tuned athletes minded. A short time later all Croquists were replenishing their vital liquids including vitamins, potassium and hops that the sun had been draining away. Larry was up and thanks to yours truly was down by the pool wicket. Since both Charles and I were out of bounds he had no one to play off of and had no choice but to try and set himself. To complicate matters Tim was set and might be able to go through deep, pick up Larry and send him back to the pool wicket. Despite these risks and because he wanted to get back up where Buffy was sunning herself (he thought she might need some lotion) Larry decided to try and set himself. He lined up and shot. The ball went straight. The ball went uphill. It began slowing down and came to rest right in front of the wicket. Larry was set for poison. It sucked! stu had a long shot to set himself. He shot long. He shot deep. He shot wide. His ball came to a rest about 10 feet in front of the wicket. He was in a lot of trouble. Charles was still in the ditch but he had created a path to get back inbounds. This time he used the mallet handle and made a beautiful shot. He was back in bounds and set! Tim had an easy through and took it. I don’t know if he could have gone towards stu or Larry but took a nice safe shot. On his through shot he hit the fence right below my ball and came to a stop in fairway with an easy shot to set. Lance brought his ball back in bounds and was planning on setting himself at the middle wicket. stu however had a “better” idea. He talked lance into trying to play off of him so that Larry wouldn’t be able to kill stu when he became poison on his next shot. He had about a 15 footer on stu and went for it. He rolled past stu and stopped about even with the wickets 2 feet uphill. It looked like the game was just about over for lance. Tune back in tomorrow for Shot 17: Poison Boy Shot 17: Poison Boy I was in the fence, above the wicket and lining up for the shot of my life. Well I was in the fence, and above the wicket at least. Tim and Charles were near me but I couldn't really aim for anyone. All I wanted was to get on fairway on the other side of the wicket. I more dribbled the ball onto the lawn then hit it. As I expected it continued to roll towards the ditch. I over hit it a shade and ended up pretty close to the ditch but I was in fairway and called "Set" loudly to convince myself as much as anyone else. Up at the home wicket stu and lance had been explaining something to Larry. I didn't know exactly what they were talking about but I was pretty sure they had tried to convince Larry not to kill them. I was also pretty sure how that was going to work out. Lance was in the greatest danger If Larry made it through the wickets he would have an easy shot on lance but going through wouldn't be that easy. I was a long way off but it looked tough to me. One would be easy but two? He lined up and shot. He made it through one but hit the second wicket and bounced to the left of the wicket. He wasn't set but he had a 3-foot shot on lance. It wasn't clear almost half of lance's ball was wire but it was all he had. He barely tapped lance's ball but a tap was all he needed. He again played off of lance and was now set. He went through the second wicket and was poison, a fact that he seemed to enjoy announcing. But Larry was downhill from the wicket and was wired on lance. He had a free shot however and quickly noticed stu's ball and lined up to take the 12 footer on stu. He swung back and then stopped. He politely asked stu move his mallet from in front of the ball. stu apologized about his mistake and Larry again lined up the shot. This time he asked stu to move his foot out of the way. By now I had approached the wicket to see what the delay was. I grabbed stu by the shoulder and escorted him back about 8 feet. Once again Larry lined up and finally, just as stu let out an accidental cough he struck the ball. A moment later his ball struck stu's ball and stu was out of the game. The first blood had been drawn. It promised to get only bloodier. It was still Larry's turn and lance was the next target. It was a 10-foot shot but if Larry missed he risked hitting the post. While this was happening I had taken a quick inventory and determined that the Croquists required another round. Miss Julie was standing there waiting for Tim to be knocked out so that she could explain how he had let her down (I wonder why they broke up). Since she was just standing there using up valuable oxygen I suggested she get us beers. She suddenly remembered something better to do and left. Next I asked young Sam for help but Cindy thought that since he was less then 2 months old he was too young to fetch beers. I felt obligated to mention that she could help but for some reason she suddenly went home. She looked kind of pissed. I hope it wasn't at me. Just as I thought we might be out of luck Nephew Pete came through! The beer was cold, delicious and, and, well, gone. Pete got me another one and I decided that the kid had a future. By now Larry had lined up on lance, stu had disappeared from view so the shot quickly followed. It was all over for lance. Larry hit him solid knocking lance's ball towards but not into the post. Larry's ball stopped dead in it's track. Lance was out and it was still Larry's turn. To recap the situation, stu was out, lance was out. Sean and Charles were set and, after Larry, Tim had an easy shot for set. If Larry abandoned the home wicket and came down to the pool wicket he would need to hit someone, anyone. Otherwise he would be giving up the home wicket. He chose to give up the pool wicket instead and defend home. A decision that haunts him to this day. Larry hit his ball 8 feet in front of the wicket and called "Done" and waited. It was Charles' turn and since he had an easy through he took it. Since Larry was right in front of the wicket he hit his ball only 2/3's of the way up. He was out of range of Larry or so he thought. Tim wasn't set but he had a chip shot to be set. I was close to the ditch so he wasn't going to try and hit me. He set himself right in front of the wicket and called set. Shot 17 was done. Stay tuned for Shot 18: The Swarm Shot 18: The Swarm I had called set and now it was time to prove it. Tim was along the path and I might get lucky and hit him or go through. As far as I was concerned either would work. I lined up and took my shot I went through, rattling the wicket on the left and ending a little to the right of the wicket. Tim was wired so I couldn't use him. I didn't have many options for my free shot. If I went for the wicket Larry was waiting for me. If I tried to hit Charles I risked going deep and again within range of Larry. I decided on the tried and true "Top of the Key" approach. I ended up about even with the middle wicket and called "Done". I was done but I had the poison wicket in view and on my next shot, assuming I had a next shot, I would be approaching the wicket. Larry couldn't just sit there. That might have been the smarter play but it wasn't his style. He had a choice. He could try for Charles downhill and about 20 or 25 feet away or he could go for me a little downhill and about 20 feet away. I also had a shot at the wicket so he resolved to add me to the list of victims. The problem he had was that if he missed me he was leaving the wicket wide open. He lined up and shot at me I turned away nonchalantly while forcing myself to keep breathing. My ears were greeted to the sound of Larry complaining about his ball jumping over mine. I was alive. Larry's ball had continued about 5 feet past mine so he was 35 feet from the wicket. Charles wasted no time and attacked the wicket. Because of the angle he couldn't go through but tried to set himself and succeeded in doing so stopping about 5 feet in front and 2 feet downhill from the wicket. Tim still down by the pool wicket was up. He had an easy set and made it through the wicket cleanly, going about 2 feet past the wicket. I could tell that things were about to get interesting. He took careful aim for the front of the poison wicket and struck the ball. Not as experienced as some of the more seasoned players, Tim had neglected to take the natural break into consideration. The ball broke left and ended up instead of only a few feet in front of the wicket, almost 20 feet in front of it. Tim was done I was up and the wicket was open. Stay tuned tomorrow for Shot 19: Who needs a beer? Shot 19: Who needs a beer? Just because the entire game rested on my next shot was no reason to get nervous. I had a plan and come hell or high water I intended to stick with it. The first part of the plan was getting a cold one so I looked around for a fetcher. The crowd had begun to gather as they had sensed the growing tension on the lawn. It was a quiet crowd except for lance trying to explain how when Larry had knocked him out it didn't really count to anyone and everyone who would listen. That by the way was Cary who agreed completely with lance. Since Cary didn't play croquet that didn't impress me. The argument went along the lines of lance being a "Legacy" whatever that was. On the other hand stu was missing something that Nephew Stew had also noticed. He was busy trying to find him so I looked elsewhere. I finally got a round for all 4 players myself. I turned out to be a mistake that I vowed to never repeat. My shot was 28 feet for the wicket but I also had both Tim and Charles in the way. I could pick up either or both of them on the way, become poison and cleanup the course all in one quick turn. I resolved to win on this turn. I, downed the last few ounces of beer, crushed the can boldly in my right hand, threw it out of bounds and made the most important shot of the game. Or maybe I should say I, downed the last few ounces of beer, crushed the can boldly in my right hand, threw it out of bounds and didn't make the most important shot of the game. I missed Tim, I missed Charles, I missed the wicket and I missed the most important shot of the game. You could pretty much just say I missed the whole game in that one turn. I was about a foot uphill and 2 feet past the first wicket. I wasn't set but whoever made poison next would have a tough time missing me. If stu or lance were still in the game I would have a chance. They could miss the wide side of a barn from 2 inches but Charles, Tim and Larry would all be shooting before me. Not only that but I was out of beer. At first I couldn't understand how I could have missed such an easy shot but after getting a consolation beer from Laura Jones (without being asked I might add) I realized the mistake I had made. I knew that the 58-second delay in the game had thrown off my timing but I hadn't realized until now just how badly I had been shaken up. It was Larry's turn. Ever the loyal friend, Rhys asked me "How did it feel to once again lose your own tournament?" Larry had a 15 footer on Tim due the Tim failing to recognize the break and I saw that Larry had some serious connect the dot action. Maybe I wouldn't be the only one not to shoot again. Larry lined up and hit his ball solidly. More importantly he hit Tim's ball solidly. Tim was gone. Charles was next. Larry 's ball had stopped as soon as he hit Tim so he had another 15 footer and took it. One Charles came the call. Charles was gone and I was next. It was a 7-foot shot to kill me next and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. The wicket was almost but not blocking his shot. One more shot and it would be over. He lined up and shot. Then it happened. Magically, almost unbelievably he hit the wicket! His ball fought his way around the wicket and came to a stop 18 inches in front of my ball. Not only was I alive, Larry was done but I could use him to set myself and make poison. Years later the rumor of specially trained moles was born but that's another story. Needless to say the fans went wild. I received not one but 3 beers from the babes and it was my turn. Then suddenly Little Stewie was yelling "My Daddy's dead!" Stay tuned for: Shot 20: The final Beer(s). Shot 20: The final Beer(s). I carefully chose the beer from the babe with the biggest hooters (Cheryl) and noticed that nobody seemed concerned. I figured that since he was my brother (this was before I found out about him being switched at birth) I should check it out. I reminded Cheryl that she should open the beers for the Croquists and started to the end of the cul-de-Sac when I got about halfway there stu's wife Cathy started following me although not before grabbing a hotdog from the grill. It turned out that stu was just passed out and barfing, a combination I do not recommend. Dave Shay, may he rest in peace, promised to take care of him so I went back to the game. It was an easy combination of shots but I didn't just want to make poison I wanted to kill Larry. My first shot hit Larry solidly and bounced leaving myself just ½ inch from his ball. My second Larry left me set and Larry even with the wicket a few inches uphill from the wicket. I quickly finished off my beer only to have 3 more thrust at me. I was becoming very popular. I needed to become poison but I needed to become poison and end up on the uphill side of the wicket. So I elected to only go through one wicket at a time. I went through one and hit the inside of the second wicket on the downhill side as planned. I was set for two. After taking a sip I realized that no one had brought the plaque or jacket out yet. Dave Shay was coming back from where stu was, buckling his belt for some reason, so I asked him to. And he agreed. I went through the wicket and I was poison. It was my turn and Larry was 2 feet away. By now the pressure was building. The beer was quenching and I was shooting. After the shot my ball was alone on the course. I had hit Larry. He was out and I had won. My first of many Green Jackets. More importantly for the first time in the history of the Stone Mountain Open there was no controversy. I hope you have enjoyed these remenises of the 1995 Stone Mountain Open. Please offer your suggestions as to any future works you would like to see published.

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